Slumdog Millionaire****

It is very difficult to be objective about the phenomena called Slumdog Millionaire. The Golden Globes and then the Oscar nominations have easily made it our own Couching Tiger Hidden Dragon (no disrespect meant to Awara, Pather Panchali, Gandhi, Salaam Bombay, Lagaan and Monsoon Wedding). From my own worldview, the story of the underdog succeeding against insurmountable odds has already been told quite well by Nagesh Kukunoor in Iqbal, or even by Ashutosh Gowariker in Lagaan.

With its destiny-led story, happy convenient ending (with no thoughts on the after-effects) and a Bollywood style end-credit number (rather tame by our vigorous standards), Slumdog.. is a quintessential Indian film. What Danny Boyle (and Vikas Swarup actually) do to give it an international halo is getting the context of the Bombay slums right (just like Crouching.. had Oriental mystique about it)! Poor Amitabh Bachchan has been unnecessarily dragged into a 'poverty-porn' controversy by the marketeers posturing as journalists at The Time of India (similar to how late Nargis Dutt accused Satyajit Ray).

I am not going in to the authenticity of what is depicted (I felt the most squeamish when Salim was shown re-sealing a mineral water bottle, it questions an entire bottling and packaging industry). Critically, none of our ilk is in a position to actually confirm or deny what is shown in the movie. Moreover, as Hindi film buffs, if we start seeking reality in our cinema, we might as well stop watching anything made here. As I have believed, Tarantino and Karan Johar are in a strange way similar, it is just that they choose to give their wings of fancy in dramatically different directions.

Danny Boyle has been a celebrated British director for his cult-classic Trainspotting (have not seen it). In fact, before Slumdog.., the only flick I have seen is possibly his only conventional Hollywood drama (in the spirit of things, lets play a quiz: the movie stars Leonardo and the answer can be checked on imdb). Because of Danny's international sensibilities, and attempt to adapt the product to the local context, Slumdog.. pervades the best of all worlds, marrying the seamier side of Bombay shown by Ramu and Anurag Kahsyap, to the relatively rosier aspects of life as captured by Mani Rathnam (the obsession of Jamal with Latika is so Dil Se) & Karan Johar. If nothing else, Danny Boyle possibly resembles our most international director, Vishal Bharadwaj. Moreover, the cinematography used to capture the Bombay locales is superb (Anthony Dod Mantle aptly has got an Oscar nomination).

Performance wise, apart from Dev Patel (as the grown-up Jamal; taking nothing away from Dev, I wonder why they could not have cast an Indian actor for the same), no one gets sufficient screen-time to score an award nomination. Freida Pinto (Latika, the love interest) is in real life six years older to Dev, but looks good with him, and otherwise (in fact, the scar makes her even more attractive, and real). Shah Rukh Khan had refused the manipulative crooked quiz-master's role (he claims he thought the character in the book was modeled on a real Bollywood personality; I think because it would have been too much grist for the mill to see him villainizing Amitabh's avuncular friendly quizzing in KBC). Anil Kapoor took on the role quite well. He is especially superb on the last question, where he is distraught with Jamal's winning, but has to still congratulate him in a celebratory style. Irrfan Khan has nothing much to do.

However, the real show-stealer for me was Ayush Mahesh Khedekar, as the youngest Jamal (there are 3 of him in different stages of life). All the three youngest characters are played by actual slum-kids, hence the most authentic use of the real language. The dancing of the kids Jamal and Latika in the end-credits easily outperforms the entire grown up crew. It just goes on to show that in any walk of life, if India needs to actualise its potential, it is necessary to drag all this hidden talent on to the mainstream (Brazil & Argentina do this very well in football).

The single biggest contribution of Slumdog.. is to bring our biggest world-class entertainer, AR Rahman, on to the global stage. Illaiyaraja might be more classical, RD Burman might have been more evergreen popular, but the genius of Rahman has been to fuse it all together, and more. His first album, Roja, was radically different from anything anyone of us had ever heard, and he has never looked back since. He has probably given better numbers. If nothing else, his first collaboration with Gulzar, Dil Se, is easily my personal best score. Delhi 6 also sounds very promising (the other album he was working on along with Slumdog..). However, I am not sure the West would have ever been exposed to the explosion of varied musical instruments they got here. And it sure is catchy!

Slumdog.. is a celebration of life, of living, against all odds! Jamal is just after his girl. Instead of using guns like in a conventional flick, he uses brain-power, to impress, to succeed. Along the way, he gives us practical life lessons, on secularism, on morality (his elder brother's character easily was the most grey), on keeping the faith. It just goes on to reaffirm my belief that no education can compensate for actual worldly experience. Jai Ho!

Random Notes on a Demented Year

2008 was a crazy year. My professional career hardly gave me any time to breathe, lots to learn & grow, and nothing much to show as the end-result. It also was a year where the entire world caught a housing-related chill, soon to become an endemic economic & financial flu. India was supposedly insulated, but honestly, tough and turbulent times lie ahead. It will take a thick skin to keep faith in the India story.

As I hardly had any time to write, I thought I will put in some words about things I thought about during the year, but never managed to deliberate upon.


The Year of Terror

I still do not know what was the final victim count of the Bihar floods (possible the worst tragedy of the year in terms of accounted/unaccounted casualties). However, there is no denying that 2008 belonged to the terrorists, from the amateurish (Mehrauli bomb-blasts in September) to the spine-chilling deadly (26/11). What this did was bring the 20-200 million-strong Indian middle class (dependent upon which study you want to go by) back in to the mainstream. Tehelka published a lovely article, primarily as an obituary for Rohinton Maloo, but very well articulating why the Indian middle-class cannot live in a vacuum independent of the Indian political & administrative-class.


The Pakistan Conundrum

What 26/11 also proved is however much we want to leave behind our Pakistan fixation, it catches up with us, directly or indirectly. The world does not know what to make out of this nuclear-armed fast-failing state. And in spite of the hullaboo, while our response has been fairly measured, Pakistan has simply been caught in a war hysteria. For those who might propogate a tougher Indian response, just check out the tragic happenings in Gaza.


Cinema

There was no stand-out Hindi film in the year. As I missed Welcome to Sajjanpur & Oye Lucky! Lucky Oye!, I thought Jodhaa Akbar was the best, followed by a personal quirk, Tahaan (superbly shot in Kashmir and directed as a fable by Santosh Sivan). I also thought Dostana was quite okay, proving that unlike his good friend Adi, KJo is at least finding new niches in the candy floss genre. Rock On got a lot of hype, but apart from some super music, and Farhan Akhtar proving himself to be the most complete entertainer (not necessarily the greatest actor, at least on current evidence) since that genius Kishore Kumar, I thought the movie was just about okay (definitely not another Dil Chahta Hai).

However, in English, The Dark Knight stood out bigtime, followed by the superb Kung Fu Panda (scoring over the other much celebrated animation film, Wall-E). Kung Fu Panda pretty much achieves the heights of animation - a quirky feel-good tale of the triumph of an underdog, superbly told. The one lesson I learnt for life, 'there are no secrets'.

Daniel Craig also came back with his second Bond outing, Quantum of Solace. As Vir Sanghvi put it, Craig is the only Bond after Connery who looks capable of murder (not to forget he is a superb actor to boot; he does capture the drabness of the book Bond best). However, the problem with Quantum.. was that it made James Bond in to an extension of Jason Bourne. The movie was a montage of superb action shots, interspersed with rare & few Bond moments (the escape from the elevator, the tribute to Goldfinger). However, Bond's continuous mourning for Vesper got grating after a while. Sadly, even the sex looked reluctant. Since he seems to have sort of exorcised his demons at the end, they might present Bond as a Tintin now.


Clash of the Titans

For the first time since 2001, when Lagaan and Asoka were apparently competing with each other for the nod to be the official nomination from India for the Oscars, the two big Khans of the Bombay film industry: Shah Rukh & Aamir, clashed at the box-office in December (totally unlike the other clash SRK had with the third big Khan, Salman). Aamir had upped the ante in the year with some uncharacteristic taunts, and our Hindi news channels had a field day. SRK, after his physical brawl, refused to bite the bait. My personal take is both wanted to have a good laugh at the rest of the world's expense, although Aamir just might be giving SRK a taste of his own often-biting humour.

The country's premier production house, Yashraj Films, had an exceptionally tough year. And Aditya Chopra took up the directorial reins after almost a decade to bail it out. While SRK did launch the Haule Haule song on his birthday, RNBDJ released with out any of his customary all pervasive media interactions (was it because of Bombay?). However, Aamir went on his usual PR over-drive (seen earlier in the year during the launch of his home production, Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na). Moreover, from the promos, RNBDJ looked stale (with pedestrian music), while Ghajini looked cutting-edge (hummable AR Rahman numbers shot in exotic locales like Namibia). However, both Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi and Ghajini turned out to be damp squibs.

RNBDJ proved that there are not enough permutations left for telling a love story in Hindi cinema (although Jaane Tu.. did tell an old tale rather okay). The movie was possibly Bhansali's Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam meets Shrek. While the wafer-thin story was narrated in a rather convoluted manner, SRK as Surinder Sahni became the redeeming factor. He out-acted Aamir in Ghajini, and his introductory romatic flirtations and end-credit honeymoon are hilarious. And while Surinder's alter-ego Raj might come across as irritating, I thought it was a quirky take on SRK the star. I could not really get the dilemma Surinder was posing to his bride (maybe just to get his feet touched, the MCP). It might have been much more fun if Raj actually was a different person, but then we have had enough of love triangles too.

Ghajini was Aamir having fun; at the risk of being racist, Tamil style. The movie is an old-fashioned 80s style revenge potboiler, apparently with elements borrowed from Nolan's Memento. Aamir hams it up, and while his fake-identity romance with Asin was too unreal, they did have decent chemistry (their last meeting where she gives him money for his mother is possibly the best cinematic moment, with the super melody Kaise Mujhe). Aamir has performed well in that particular scene, but still did not reveal the truth of his identity. In fact, if Asin would have survived, she should have broken up just for his treachery.

Possibly to justify his subsequent transformation into a killing machine, Aamir is shown as a corporate hulk through out. However, the climax is ridiculous to say the least (Sunny Deol should sue for copyright infringement). The gruesome murder of Asin easily pales Ghajini's demise (a rather tame villain, whose goons believe in no revolvers). Moreover, the real interesting (and cutting-edge) bit would have come from Aamir's initial plotting of his revenge. He is not shown as having any accomplices, and how he remembers Ghajini (when it was just whispered in his ears before he lost his memory) is coveniently left to the imagination.

As Uncle Ben told Peter in Spider-Man, 'with great power comes great responsibility'.


Cricket: The Passing Over of the Titans

India had a good promising year in cricket. The momentous occassion was the retirement of Anil Kumble (who was terrible throughout). Ganguly also bid a timely farewell, when he was playing his best. Sachin Tendulkar answered a lot of the tough questions asked about his match-winning abilities by two superb centuries, one against Australia in the first VB Series final at Sydney, and another against England at the Chennai Test. He might not have the style of old, but the substance more than makes up. The redeeming factor was that Jeff Crowe still had the sense to award the Man of Match to Sehwag at Chennai.

While India have been continously challenging Australia since Calcutta in 2001, the real blow was given by South Africa. Remember, India somehow lost 2-1 to pretty much the same bowling attack last year, and also faltered against a debutant Mendis in Sri Lanka. India deserved to win 2-0 against the Aussies at home, but would have never got it if the Aussies had not decided to go after the target on the last day of Nagpur.

While India has become a terrific ODI team, we still need to win more (like against the Aussies in Delhi or England in Mohali) to be called the No.1 Test team. The key would be the promising Ishant Sharma to go the way of Dale Steyn rather than Irfan Pathan, and for Rahul Dravid to possily elongate his career at No.5 (swapping with VVS). If only we can replace the dead Ranji Trophy with an IPL format now!


Sports: Inspiration from Beijing

China truly established itself on the global stage by successfully holding the Beijing Olympics. Thankfully, Abhinav Bindra chose the venue of our global rival to win India's maiden individual gold medal. However, the real challenge for the billion-strong Indians' Olympic paradox would be transform the 3 medals of Beijing to 30 at London.

The other key moments were the crowning of the World Chess Champion of Vishwanathan Anand for the third time (in three different formats), and the qualification of the Indian football team for the 2011 Asia Cup.


Yes We Can

As a balm on the tough year gone by, and for the tougher times lying ahead, Barack Obama came in from nowhere as an 'agent for change'. A new-age digital leader, Obama could not put a foot wrong. He proved his magnanimity by appointing once bitter rival Hillary Clinton as the Secretary of State, and unprecedentedly, retaining President Bush' appointee Robert Gates as the Secretary of Defense. To further justify his credentials as a global role-model, he unveiled a flat-pack abs when on vacation in Hawaii. His economic policies are still unproven, but somehow President-elect Obama inspires hope in a fast depressing world like noone else.

Happy New Year to All!

A Mighty State

I saw Michael Winterbottom's 'A Mighty Heart' on Saturday, just a few hours after the Mumbai Siege had ended. An apt movie to see after the incident, more so at it depicts the capture and killing of the Wall Street journalist Daniel Pearl quite authentically, and Angeline Jolie has captured the grit and agony of Mariane Pearl superbly. Maybe, it is also good for India's morale; it just showcases Pakistan on its way to be the failed state it has become.

The war in Mumbai (yes, unfortunately with the trained Fidayeen terrorists around, it is that only; that is why our ill-trained police or private security will never stand any chance) has ended, and I tried doing all my good concerned citizens bit. I went for a candle-lighting 40 kms from my place, wore black the next working day, observed a minutes silence when asked to, etc. etc. Now what?

The political class has responded. The Congress, fearing rout in the impending General Elections, finally sacked the Home Minister, Shivraj Patil. BJP's Advani, after a failed attempt to show solidarity, could not take time off from his campaigning for an all-party meet. And apparently a few more heads are expected to roll in Maharashtra and the Home Ministry.

I have always maintained that most of the terrorist related problems (Kashmir, North-East, Palestine) do not have military solutions. I agree the Punjab militancy was crushed in the 80s, but the tide possibly turned when the local population withdrew logistical and emotional support to the Khalistani militants. In fact, good economics usually is the best bet, when people are too bothered to make an honourable and successful living, rather than thinking of relatively more abstract concepts like political, religious or cultural rights.

The problem with the Al Qaeda and its war is that it has beaten my rudimentary theory hollow. The recruits are usually the well-educated (not some illiterate incapable of having their own minds), even second generation immigrants (in Britain during the 7/7 bombings) who should have had no exposure to the genuine prejudices faced by their parents. In fact, I am not even sure if I understand what Bin Laden wants, apart from proclaiming the USA, Israel and India as the public enemies number 1.

It is obvious we need to do something. The problem is all of us are angry, but do not really know how to take it out. We have blamed politicians, but we have to live with them in our democracy. Critically, there is no leader who actually inspires confidence. Mobilising troops on the International border (like we did during Operation Parakram after the Pariament attack in 2001) a second time round in a decade would look stupid, especially as we did not fire a single bullet last time round. Critically, I do not think the Pakistan Government actually controls anything anymore. All leaders, be it Musharraf or Benazir, faced assassination attempts, to different degrees of success.

Israel is considered the world's hardest state, which does not negotiate with terrorists at all. In fact, the very creation of Israel and subsequent military expansion is considered the ultimate in hard state tales. Obviously, the single-mindedness unity of a fractured polity (not too dissimilar to India) helps. The Munich Massacre (where the Mossad apparently hunted down all perpetrators) , the successful storming of the hijacked plane at Uganda (Operation Entebbe), and the supposed bombing and crippling of Iran's nuclear facilities further added to the aura. However, in the new century, a younger Israel is also realising that Palestine needs to have a different political solution. The withdrawals from Southern Lebanon, Gaza and West Bank, however flawed or incomplete, drove in the fact that the military, however efficient and hardline, cannot achieve results beyond a point.

India has supported the Palestine cause since the times of Nehru. In fact, it is one of the rare causes which had the support of the Congress and the Left. India never even established diplomatic relations with Israel. However, BJP, the party with a difference, always looked up to Israel. PV Narasimha Rao, often called the first BJP PM, finally opened embassies in 1992. Since then, much to the Left's discomfiture, India and Israel, unjust victims of Islamic terror, have grown closer.

However, for all its admiration and its 6-year rule at the Centre, the BJP (with Advani as Home Minsiter) did nothing remotely smart, or hardline. If India were Israel, we might have liberated PoK in 1948/71, or at least established a 5km. non-militarised buffer zone either side of the LoC. Critically, we would not have tested the nuclear bomb in 1998, a losing proposition. Without doubting the technology requirements of Dr. Kalam, it ensured we were faced with economic sanctions for half a decade, and lost our conventional military edge against Pakistan. Kargil was a failure, as we would have never lost so many brave soldiers, if we had just broken off the enemy supply chains. However, our mutual nuclear armaments ensured both India and Pakistan stayed put in their designated territories.

Most of my ilk also aspire India to be an Israel. However, as the Big Fight on yesterday's NDTV 24x7, we actually do not know how to go about it. Some want to destroy Pakistan, some want to ban politicians, some democracy.

I have just one take. I know we are a nation of billion plus, and hence possibly can afford to lose a lot more. You become a hard state only after you get soft with the inhabitansts inside. Our administrators - leaders or policemen - have a mentality to rule rather than serve. So a bit of collateral damage, or indifference to those who do not count, does not really make a difference.

We lost 150 lives during a religious stampede in Jodhpur a few months back. We lost 50 people during last year's Gujjar caste-led agitation. We also lost 180 people in the Mumbai terrorist attack. The key question to ask, as someone had put it so well to me, do we want a mighty India, or mighty Indians?

Nightmare near Dalal Street

My blood is boiling. And I am sure I am not the only one amongst the billion dollar plus in this part of the planet.

Terrorism, as the Joker depicted so brilliantly a few months ago, is highly symbolic in nature. With no disrespect meant to the victims of the multiple terrorist attacks in India, we possibly lose more people to road accidents in Delhi. Yet it does not stop me from getting my car out to drive, or walk my way to the nearest mall in crazy traffic. Somehow, bomb blasts give us much greater jitters than drunken driving.

Terrorism, quite literally, is supposed to spread terror. 9/11 was such a watershed in global history because it showed a shadowy movement, the Al Qaeda, hitting at the very symbol of the global economic system, the World Trade Center at New York. More importantly, it gave a buffoon like George Bush Jr. his highest ratings, and maybe even a totally undeserving second term as the US President.

I first heard of the siege at Bombay in Guwahati (where apparently such search-and-siege operations are a regular phenomena). The tragedy is exactly 48 hours old as I write. At the risk of further insensitivity, I think humanity, or India, has seen worse. A few months back, a river changed it course by 120 kms, wrecking a populace so poor and backward that it is difficult to decide if it was better for them to get relieved of their miserable existence. The area happens to be in the neighbourhood of my geographical origin, and I was moved to donate. But alas, my day-to-day work-related travails caught up with me quickly to forget all about it.

We also have something called the Red Corridor, which apparently affects almost 40% of the Indian population, and where the writ of the Indian state has given way to the followers of Mao. Lest we forget, three years back in the same month of November, another neighbouring town of mine, Jehenabad, faced a breathtaking attack by almost 1000 Maoists who rescued more than 375 prison inmates.

Human beings, for all their ability to reason (intelligently), are possibly the only species on this planet who harm each other for something that cannot be strictly classified as essential survival. Some species of snakes are supposed to devour their eggs as soon as they hatch. I personally despise snakes, considering them to the lowliest and vilest creature. Yet, snakes exhibit this trait out of natural survival instincts.

The worst manifestation of this human trait, whatever the motive, are easily in the terrorist attacks against uninvolved bystanders. The Munich Massacre was poignant and dramatic enough for Spielberg to make a movie (giving Daniel Craig an action role before the more popular James Bond). Only recently, Vladimir Putin turned hardline after the terrible Beslan tragedy, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beslan_school_hostage_crisis.

What is so different as to what has happened in Bombay, to make it a watershed in both my and my country's history? On a goddam honest note, the tragedy is right at my doorsteps. Kosi, Jehanabad, Beslan can be skipped, but I have been lucky enough to stay at both the Taj and the Trident. It could have been destiny, and I could have run into some madcap(s) inspired by Mr. Bin Laden and Prof. Saeed (the Amir of Lashkar-e-Toiba).

On a more philosophical note, the tragedy is straight out of a fantastic action movie, say a Die Hard. Alas, there was no John McClane this time round. The boys decided to target the India that is the flavour of Davos. Each gunshot was fatal, a slap across the face of every Indian. From a pure Corporate Communication point of view, the systematic targeting of American & British passport holders, and Israeli families, makes India appear like a farce.

It seems we will soon realise the complete ramifications of the ordeal. The two hotels (repeating the cliche, symbols of modern India and Bombay), the railway station, the hospital, the city is littered with dead bodies, belonging to NSG commandoes, finest police officers, brave hotel staff, foreigners, innocent bystanders, somebodies, nobodies, ALL. There have been bravehearts who did their bit admirably, helping people escape. There have been lucky ones, whom some mysterious force protected.

Critically, it once again showed that how our Armed forces are possibly our proudest institution. Lt. Col. Purohit not withstanding, India's success since Independence has been to have such a fine and apolitical Army. From a personal point of view, I cannot think of an institution that straddles the spectrum of the globalised contemporary world (Armymen are the ultimate in etiquette) with the real Bharat (the Army remains the only disaster management mechanism for many parts of India, whether it be a kid falling in a well, or a tsunami).

Where do we go from here? India aspires to be a hard state, but in reality is a bully. We are superb at holding on to territory (like Kashmir), or in controlling the poor. Yet, the real challenges elude us. It is one thing to look up to Israel, it is another thing to behave like them. After all, we are talking of a Jew race that resurrected an entire language Hebrew (something similar if we decide to suddenly start speaking in Sanskrit), has compulsorily military training for all its citizens, lives with daily terrorist attacks, and hunts down all its enemies (Munich again).

Pakistan (and originally the US in the 80s) have created a Frankenstein, which is out of control now. India needs to live with this reality, and re-strucuture its entire National security. accordingly. In fact, the Army cannot be expected to do the Police's job, like it has been doing in J&K and the North-East for so many years. If nothing else, senior Army commanders start stagnating at the top levels (Kargil after all was a tactical field victory but a strategic blunder). Maybe they can be better used if we have integrated security forces, allowing for senior level transfers.

I am not sure if individual leaders have the answer. LK Advani was the Home Minister when a plane was hijacked. Manmohan Singh gave the most insipid speech possible to the Bombay siege. Narendra Modi plays too much of politics, and happens to be a mass-murderer.

What we really need is an India 'not divided by narrow domestic walls'. Maybe, there is an Omen. The tragedy coincided with the passing away of VP Singh, under whose leadership the tone for today's divisive politics was set a couple of decades back. Amen!

When Insults Had Class

Since I have not had the time, or the mind-space to put up anything up for more than fifty days, I am taking the easier way out. I am posting a humorous piece I got as a forward on the mail.

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued....unlike now, where the art of the put-down and the come-back has been reduced to primarily questioning parentage and responding with descriptors of common bodily functions!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd gladly drink it.'

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' Clarence Darrow

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway); 'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln

'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill; 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop

'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb

'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' Jack E. Leonard

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' - Forrest Tucker

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' - Mark Twain

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' - Oscar Wilde

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts..for support rather than illumination.'- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx