When Insults Had Class

Since I have not had the time, or the mind-space to put up anything up for more than fifty days, I am taking the easier way out. I am posting a humorous piece I got as a forward on the mail.

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued....unlike now, where the art of the put-down and the come-back has been reduced to primarily questioning parentage and responding with descriptors of common bodily functions!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd gladly drink it.'

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' Clarence Darrow

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway); 'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln

'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill; 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop

'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb

'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' Jack E. Leonard

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' - Forrest Tucker

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' - Mark Twain

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' - Oscar Wilde

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts..for support rather than illumination.'- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

Inverting Life

I got the below as a SMS, and found it quite funny .


A prospective couple, just before they are to cross the altar, are conversing.

He: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave???
He: No! Don't ever think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course.
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No!!! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such a person.
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes
She: Dear!

Once they got married, they had the same conversation, from bottom to top.

Dubyaman

I quite like the USA. To my mind, the American stress on individual freedom, meritocracy and market-led capitalism makes it a genuine 'land of opportunity' (however flawed it might be in reality). Besides, of all the historical superpowers, the USA has been relatively the most moralistic (though that just might be a function of the slightly more enlightened era we are living in).

Over the years, the biggest drawback for the average Yankee has been his complete lack of general awareness, and lack of any bother because of it. This is more perplexing for us Indians, who pride ourselves on our general knowledge. No one typifies the unawareness more than their divisive President, George 'Dubya' Bush, arguably the world's most powerful man.

George Bush Jnr. was a rowdy young man from a premier political family of America. After having all the fun in his youthful days, he claims to have had divine premonitions that he is the 'chosen one' (Rakeysh Mehra was not so off the mark in his debut flick Aks, where Manoj Bajpai uses similar reasoning from Gita to justify his crimes). To get a full flavour of the man, one needs to see Michale Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11, especially the first half; part hilarious, part poignant, supremely biased. Even Jug Suraiya's Dubyaman strip in The Time of India was quite funny in the beginning, though has become slightly dragging now.

I got the below story as a forward, but I think it is a great caricature of Bush, a supreme dictator leading the world's strongest democracy.

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki